New Year, Who Dis

Back in the Dating Saddle?

Ok....so.... I hate to admit it. I hate admitting to myself that I feel lonely. 

I feel like I shouldn't because my life is very full. My life is good - that does not mean stress or complication free by the way. I'm content in myself and I'm dealing with my issues. My job is actually a career and it's on the way up! I'm about to be successful - something I never thought was within my reach. I have SO MUCH to celebrate and shout about. There's no "but" or "if". My life isn't perfect but it's f*cking good. Money is tight, but I have enough. My car isn't new, but it's an upgrade from the last one and it has petrol in. My belly is full as is my kid's as is her cat's. I've been able to start Christmas shopping which is a massive blessing. I am extremely grateful. 

I'm only missing someone to share it all with. 

The little stuff. I miss the intimacy - not just the sex & physical contact - but that emotional intimacy. It's simply different to the relationships with good friends. If you're in a healthy relationship I reckon your partner should be your best friend, or one of them. That was lacking in my marriage. I loved my ex husband, but there wasn't the depth of unconditional love and understanding that I have with my very best friend. 

My story isn't unique. People all around me are suffering horrendous marriage breakdowns and traumatic divorces. The people we once loved become our greatest enemies. It's shit. 

But, the silver lining? I get a mulligan. A do-over. New beginning. Whatever you want to call it. I get another chance at love! 

This season of my life has been all about new beginnings. New lessons. New opportunities. It's funny that my new beginnings are happening in Autumn. The season we mainly associate with death and endings. It's actually about balance. On the Autumn equinox the day light and the dark night are in an equal balance. Cool huh? 

Remember that Semisonic lyric? "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" 

GET TO THE POINT, FELICIA! GEEZ! 

I've kind of got a "date" (It fills me with dread to even put that out there). 

I'm meeting up with a lovely guy I met on one of those god awful dating apps. He has his little girls every weekend, the only time we're both not working and child free is Saturday, in the day. This makes it a challenge to find time. He's busy. I'm busy. But it's important to make time. Is there potential here? Maybe, I think so, but I don't know. I've been wrong lots of times before. I've been hurt and let down and disappointed. I'm being cautious which is wise right? I can usually tell if there's a connection. There seems to be. BUT I'VE BEEN WRONG, A LOT. I've been a lot of awks first dates. 

Here's what I know to be true, regardless of my crappy experiences. 

I'm a catch! I'm funny, smart, I have a lot of love to give. I'm a great cook. I'm hard working. Thoughtful. Fun. And I'm told I kiss by the book...that's a bonus right? 

More importantly -

 I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. 

I AM WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. 

I AM WORTHY OF SUCCESS.

I AM WORTHY OF ALL THE GOOD THINGS. 

I was not designed to be alone.
I was not designed to lonely. 

It's ok to be lonely, it means I'm human. It does not mean I'm desperate or that I'll settle for the first man who shows interest in me. Because the truth is in this age of digital dating and selfies and angles I get plenty of attention, not usually the kind I want, so I've learned the difference between sincere interest and someone looking to take advantage or play a game. Doesn't work on me anymore dudes. 

I am worthy of waiting until I receive that which I deserve. I'm not in a hurry to "cure" this heart's longing. I will walk into the country pub, looking and feeling like a million bucks with the knowledge that I don't NEED this man. If he makes me laugh and I feel at ease with him and he is attentive then maybe, just maybe,  we can spend more time together and see if we'd like to spend even more time together. At our own pace. In our own time. 

I've taken a risk and put this out there. It's a challenge to myself. 

Now I've got a few weeks to find something to wear, gotta be lookin like a snack! 😆😆😆

Guess Where I Am?

If you thought "Starbucks in Middlewich" then you'd be right! Duh. It seems to be the only place I find the space to blog... or think at all! It's been a whirlwind month with my Mom here and Matilda being off of school, and starting work after years out, meetings to formally end support that I've been receiving (once you get a job then there is no more funding for your support, the system needs some work!).
Saturday is my only child free day. My mom was still asleep when I left to take Miss Mouse to her Dad (don't get me started on why I'm having to drive her to their visitation....).
I have the structure of my lesson plans down but I have no meat on the bones. I've had to cancel a social engagement from months ago with friends who will be over from the USA, because now I have a job...they've stopped over close to me to visit specifically....so it kind of really stinks.
I have a full day on Tuesday and then have to drive out to Abergele, North Wales for a short break.

24 hours later we'll be back off home! So some nice salt air and time by the sea...very little is as good for my soul as being near the sea. *sigh*

I am STRESSED.
I feel like life is spinning around me, out of my control.
I'm trying to remember so many jobs and dates and lists and things - I don't function my best without routine. I know some people totally hate having structure, but I need it! I can relax when I know where I need to be when and for what reason.

Sitting here, sipping a almond milk mocha and typing away has helped me calmmmm down!
A few deep breaths, a bit of caffeine, a bit of podcast listening, looking at pics of Abergele and thinking about the sea have all helped.

Phew. Best get some work done while I'm not freaking out!

drum roll please!

Starbucks and Stress

So, here I am...sitting in the Middlewich Starbucks, drinking cold brew iced coffee, listening to a podcast *sigh* and full of anxiety.
I interviewed last week for my dream job. THE job I dreamt of when I was 18 working at the Good News Bookstore & loathing every second of having to answer questions about books I'd never read.

 When people asked me what I wanted to do, as I'd just graduated from high school, I'd say I'd love to be an art therapist. I've always been the kind of person that people open up to. "I can't believe I just told you that" or "your my person I tell the things I could never tell anyone else!". I've always been able to see what is beyond the surface too.
I've always had the heart of an artist. I've always loved the creative. I may not be a specialist at anything one thing but it is part of me and all that I do. Anyone who has been into my home will see it. Anyone who spots me in a crowd would no doubt see it in the way I dress and the way I wear my hair.
I never knew there was a way to combine those two passions. 

Then someone told me there was this thing called "Art Therapy"

Just sitting here writing is helping my breathing to slow down and they tightness in my chest to release. I brought my journal and a card to write to Miss Mouse (she's star of the week at school this week!!!!) aaaaand I'm actually here to work on the Scrutiny Panel report that I've been working on since OCTOBER 😩

OK, so back to this job. I will write the full story of how I arrived at an interview for a teacher/mentor roll on the mindfulness and wellbeing team for Warrington Vale Colligate! But for now, I'm waiting to hear. The interview was kind of chaotic, but I rolled with it. I ran over. But it felt natural and I felt a good fit for the team, we're on the same page. It was good. The feedback was positive. They're interviewing another candidate, possibly right this moment actually!

I'm hoping they'll take pity on me and let me know something ASAP! I'm crawling the walls guys!! BUT because of all of the time I've put into studying mindfulness for the interview I'm actually managing the anxiety pretty well. I'm proud of that! 

Right, I have to go work on this report! I want to finish it and move on to what's next!!!!! 

TTYL!