Uh Baby, Baby It's a Wild World

And, it's hard to get by just upon a smile

Uh, baby-baby it's a wild world
And I'll always remember you
Like a child girl
And I'll always remember you

I'm in a weird place tonight. On Friday a friend of mine lost her battle against bowel cancer.  It took her in 6 months.SIX months ago she had some stomach aches and general pain then a week ago she went into hospice and that was it. POOF.
A big life & a wonderful human, gone. I can't believe it.
She was a year younger than me, she was her mother's full-time carer. She was a counselor and friend to so many. I was part of Facebook group that organised meals and care and eventually visits to the hospice. I didn't feel like I had any business being there because we hadn't kept in touch. At the same time I was honoured to be there as this person was so special. I'd have brought meals if I could have. I'd have sit with her or taken her mother to her appointments if I was there. I feel the need to apologise. 

The last time I saw her it was over tacos at Taco Boy in Charleston. 

I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember her warmth and kind smile. 

I found out today that the brother of an old friend of mine has died. Another young person. He was sick, but I don't know what happened. He's just gone. His friends' and family's hearts shattered into a million pieces. 

Yet another friend, recently diagnosed with MS, had emergency surgery to remove a massive ovarian cyst. 

Another, my age, brain tumor. She beat it thankfully.

Have I just reached an age where people start to get sick? It feels like it's far too soon to be losing friends. 

My mom's friends have mostly all lived a very long time even after a LOT of drug abuse and alcoholism and all RIDICULOUS lifestyles. 

We lost a handful of friends while in high school. I remember two of them making a big impact on me. We've lost a few more since then, including the guy that I always sat next to when we were put into alphabetical order. I don't know what happened, but whatever it was, he was too young. 

I needed to get these thoughts out otherwise they spin round and round in my head. I don't have much spare room in there as it is. 

That's about it really. I have nothing profound to say, I just wanted to get it out. So if you've read this, thank you. Maybe you can even relate. 

New Year, Who Dis

Back in the Dating Saddle?

Ok....so.... I hate to admit it. I hate admitting to myself that I feel lonely. 

I feel like I shouldn't because my life is very full. My life is good - that does not mean stress or complication free by the way. I'm content in myself and I'm dealing with my issues. My job is actually a career and it's on the way up! I'm about to be successful - something I never thought was within my reach. I have SO MUCH to celebrate and shout about. There's no "but" or "if". My life isn't perfect but it's f*cking good. Money is tight, but I have enough. My car isn't new, but it's an upgrade from the last one and it has petrol in. My belly is full as is my kid's as is her cat's. I've been able to start Christmas shopping which is a massive blessing. I am extremely grateful. 

I'm only missing someone to share it all with. 

The little stuff. I miss the intimacy - not just the sex & physical contact - but that emotional intimacy. It's simply different to the relationships with good friends. If you're in a healthy relationship I reckon your partner should be your best friend, or one of them. That was lacking in my marriage. I loved my ex husband, but there wasn't the depth of unconditional love and understanding that I have with my very best friend. 

My story isn't unique. People all around me are suffering horrendous marriage breakdowns and traumatic divorces. The people we once loved become our greatest enemies. It's shit. 

But, the silver lining? I get a mulligan. A do-over. New beginning. Whatever you want to call it. I get another chance at love! 

This season of my life has been all about new beginnings. New lessons. New opportunities. It's funny that my new beginnings are happening in Autumn. The season we mainly associate with death and endings. It's actually about balance. On the Autumn equinox the day light and the dark night are in an equal balance. Cool huh? 

Remember that Semisonic lyric? "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" 

GET TO THE POINT, FELICIA! GEEZ! 

I've kind of got a "date" (It fills me with dread to even put that out there). 

I'm meeting up with a lovely guy I met on one of those god awful dating apps. He has his little girls every weekend, the only time we're both not working and child free is Saturday, in the day. This makes it a challenge to find time. He's busy. I'm busy. But it's important to make time. Is there potential here? Maybe, I think so, but I don't know. I've been wrong lots of times before. I've been hurt and let down and disappointed. I'm being cautious which is wise right? I can usually tell if there's a connection. There seems to be. BUT I'VE BEEN WRONG, A LOT. I've been a lot of awks first dates. 

Here's what I know to be true, regardless of my crappy experiences. 

I'm a catch! I'm funny, smart, I have a lot of love to give. I'm a great cook. I'm hard working. Thoughtful. Fun. And I'm told I kiss by the book...that's a bonus right? 

More importantly -

 I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. 

I AM WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. 

I AM WORTHY OF SUCCESS.

I AM WORTHY OF ALL THE GOOD THINGS. 

I was not designed to be alone.
I was not designed to lonely. 

It's ok to be lonely, it means I'm human. It does not mean I'm desperate or that I'll settle for the first man who shows interest in me. Because the truth is in this age of digital dating and selfies and angles I get plenty of attention, not usually the kind I want, so I've learned the difference between sincere interest and someone looking to take advantage or play a game. Doesn't work on me anymore dudes. 

I am worthy of waiting until I receive that which I deserve. I'm not in a hurry to "cure" this heart's longing. I will walk into the country pub, looking and feeling like a million bucks with the knowledge that I don't NEED this man. If he makes me laugh and I feel at ease with him and he is attentive then maybe, just maybe,  we can spend more time together and see if we'd like to spend even more time together. At our own pace. In our own time. 

I've taken a risk and put this out there. It's a challenge to myself. 

Now I've got a few weeks to find something to wear, gotta be lookin like a snack! 😆😆😆

Guess Where I Am?

If you thought "Starbucks in Middlewich" then you'd be right! Duh. It seems to be the only place I find the space to blog... or think at all! It's been a whirlwind month with my Mom here and Matilda being off of school, and starting work after years out, meetings to formally end support that I've been receiving (once you get a job then there is no more funding for your support, the system needs some work!).
Saturday is my only child free day. My mom was still asleep when I left to take Miss Mouse to her Dad (don't get me started on why I'm having to drive her to their visitation....).
I have the structure of my lesson plans down but I have no meat on the bones. I've had to cancel a social engagement from months ago with friends who will be over from the USA, because now I have a job...they've stopped over close to me to visit specifically....so it kind of really stinks.
I have a full day on Tuesday and then have to drive out to Abergele, North Wales for a short break.

24 hours later we'll be back off home! So some nice salt air and time by the sea...very little is as good for my soul as being near the sea. *sigh*

I am STRESSED.
I feel like life is spinning around me, out of my control.
I'm trying to remember so many jobs and dates and lists and things - I don't function my best without routine. I know some people totally hate having structure, but I need it! I can relax when I know where I need to be when and for what reason.

Sitting here, sipping a almond milk mocha and typing away has helped me calmmmm down!
A few deep breaths, a bit of caffeine, a bit of podcast listening, looking at pics of Abergele and thinking about the sea have all helped.

Phew. Best get some work done while I'm not freaking out!

drum roll please!

Starbucks and Stress

So, here I am...sitting in the Middlewich Starbucks, drinking cold brew iced coffee, listening to a podcast *sigh* and full of anxiety.
I interviewed last week for my dream job. THE job I dreamt of when I was 18 working at the Good News Bookstore & loathing every second of having to answer questions about books I'd never read.

 When people asked me what I wanted to do, as I'd just graduated from high school, I'd say I'd love to be an art therapist. I've always been the kind of person that people open up to. "I can't believe I just told you that" or "your my person I tell the things I could never tell anyone else!". I've always been able to see what is beyond the surface too.
I've always had the heart of an artist. I've always loved the creative. I may not be a specialist at anything one thing but it is part of me and all that I do. Anyone who has been into my home will see it. Anyone who spots me in a crowd would no doubt see it in the way I dress and the way I wear my hair.
I never knew there was a way to combine those two passions. 

Then someone told me there was this thing called "Art Therapy"

Just sitting here writing is helping my breathing to slow down and they tightness in my chest to release. I brought my journal and a card to write to Miss Mouse (she's star of the week at school this week!!!!) aaaaand I'm actually here to work on the Scrutiny Panel report that I've been working on since OCTOBER 😩

OK, so back to this job. I will write the full story of how I arrived at an interview for a teacher/mentor roll on the mindfulness and wellbeing team for Warrington Vale Colligate! But for now, I'm waiting to hear. The interview was kind of chaotic, but I rolled with it. I ran over. But it felt natural and I felt a good fit for the team, we're on the same page. It was good. The feedback was positive. They're interviewing another candidate, possibly right this moment actually!

I'm hoping they'll take pity on me and let me know something ASAP! I'm crawling the walls guys!! BUT because of all of the time I've put into studying mindfulness for the interview I'm actually managing the anxiety pretty well. I'm proud of that! 

Right, I have to go work on this report! I want to finish it and move on to what's next!!!!! 

TTYL! 

ch-ch-changes

As you can see, things are changing around here! For one thing I've got a hunger to blog again, to keep telling my story! So many, many things have happened in the past year that the life I once wrote about is almost completely unrecognisable, for the better.

I don't have tons of time to make things at the moment, but that's fine, I'm working on me! I'm making and moulding a new life for me and Miss Mouse. So many wonderful things have occurred I simply can not wait to share with you what has been unfolding.

I need to go make something hopefully tasty and healthy (while still balancing by having a glass of merlot....our little secret! shhhh!).
I've missed this little corner of the internet, a place for me to spill my thoughts and interact with people. I prefer speaking to people I don't know sometimes to be honest. I want to hear your stories too. I'm being summoned, I'd better go.... bye for now!

Little By Little

One day at a time. It is my mantra when I begin to feel overwhelmed by all of my "shoulds" and "supposed tos". 

As much as I might feel it, I am not a failure as a mother because the laundry is on the floor instead of folded and put away or because the dishes from a few days ago still aren't done. Do you know I feel like someone is going to read that and gasp! My chest is actually feeling tight at the idea.
Oh how silly!

I have come so very far in the past two and a half years. It is difficult to remember where I've been when the where I am is a bit hard too.

My silence isn't for a lack of wanting to share, but life changed with the  birth of a wild haired, deep eyed beauty. She is determined and dramatic. She is a Mummy's girl with a quick wit. She drives me to near breaking point and then melts my heart.

My yellow brick road has taken me many places so far in my life. Lately it's taken me back into the workforce and back into the dating world (yuck!).


In a few weeks it's taking me to Disneyland Paris! More on that to come (I hope).....
Miss Mouse and I are both terribly excited! I so want to sneak away for a bit to visit Paris itself, it is a dream of mine. I've collected Eiffel figures for years now.
I plan on adding a few more to my collection.

I also wanted to share about my new Mum crush Clair Thomson....it may have to wait. It's a preschool & work day and time is getting short before both.
I do hope to stop long enough to let blab even if I'm the only one reading. Soon!

Twinkle, Twinkle Christmas Star

nutella. 

The Crib Service at St Phillips Church 

Making Gingerbread Cupcakes. 

Lantern Magic at Chester Zoo

More Lantern Magic! 

Our Pink & Sparkly Tree! I love it, even though the idea was all Matilda! 

My very favorite time of year is flying by!

Sisters I Picked for Myself!

I just LOVE this! 

A New Direction

Ta daaaaa! Do you like my new theme? It's seems a natural shift as the centre of my world is my hilarious dragon adoring firecracker of a girl. At this stage of life she is the hub and everything else is a spoke. As I believe it should be.

Although I'm leading into my most busy crafting time of year far more hours and effort go into keeping up with Miss Mouse

So I'm hoping to be able to write more as it should flow much more naturally now!

Miss Mouse & I won't be able to get home to the States for Christmas this year. It's been a pretty big blow, yet I'm determined to make a big fuss and have a very magical holiday in our own little flat. I've started shopping and hope to have a home full of glitter and as much kitsch as one small home can hold! I'm hoping to stack brightly wrapped boxes under our groaning with glam tree.
I'm getting excited...

It's finally starting to cool down over here. Autumn is arriving with all of the rain and gloomy skies. It makes me feel very cosy. We're going to get bundled up and explore. We'll see you real soon!

For anyone who doesn't know me personally, you won't know that Matilda is a MAJOR How to Train Your Dragon fan. Like super serious. Her passion has become dear to my heart too. We watched the latest film in the cinema. Matilda's first film in the cinema. Perfect. I've become besotted with Valka. The queen. Here is a love song sung to her by her husband, from who she'd been lost from for 20 years.

They were reunited.

For the Dancing and the Dreaming

I'll swim and sail on savage seas
With ne'er a fear of drowning
And gladly ride the waves of life
If you will marry me
No scorching sun
Nor freezing cold
Will stop me on my journey

Stoick:
If you will promise me your heart
And love (sigh)

Valka:
And love me for eternity
My dearest one my darling dear
Your mighty words astound me
But I've no need of mighty deeds
When I feel your arms around me

Stoick:
But I would bring you rings of gold
I'd even sing you poetry [Valka: Oh, would you?]
And I would keep you from all harm
If you would stay beside me

Valka:
I have no use for rings of gold
I care not for your poetry
I only want your hand to hold

Stoick:
I only want you near me

BOTH:
To love to kiss to sweetly hold
For the dancing and the dreaming
Through all life's sorrows and delights
I'll keep your laugh inside me
I'll swim and sail on savage seas
With ne'er a fear of drowning
And gladly ride the waves of life
If you will marry me

A Whole New Life

Wow. It really has been a while!

I've found balancing life and finding time to write, in any form, impossible. Not that the longing hasn't been there. I've bought a new journal....which Matilda promptly christened. I started to feel a bit annoyed about it....but made myself think about how when she's 23 I'll find the journal with her crayon markings and cry over the time that has passed.
So, I shared with her.

I'm trying. I need to write. It helps me release the emotions and thoughts that bind my chest with anxiety.

So....A Whole New Life. It really is.

I'm about to be naked y'all. I've kept this very private. Maybe because of shame, embarrassment, grief, all of the above, plus more.

About 10 days before our 5 year wedding anniversary my husband told me he didn't think he could be truly happy as long as he remained married. Oh. OK? Where in the f*&k did it come from?! The wind was knocked out of me. It was surreal. Kind of the surreal experience people who receive difficult medical news describe. Like you're outside of your own body.
I couldn't comprehend the words.

What? What does it mean?

I'm spare us both the details of the conversation and following week of hell.

When the truth finally came out, I had a "friend" to thank for this. A "friend" of mine had been pursuing my husband and father of my child. They'd been "talking", for get, THIS ... a month.
It took a month for her to convince him that life with her would bring him far more than life with his wife and daughter ever could. He's addicted to her. She has ruined our family and destroyed him.
He's weak. He's pathetic. He believed every single lie she fed him. He still does. Mental illness is part of it. Mental illness is no excuse.

I'm not going to get into all the rest. Let me just share with you that I couldn't sleep, eat, walk, talk, breath or anything. I died. He killed me. However, to remain in a ball in a dark room was not an option. I had my blessed child. My light.

I did indeed die a death. I was flung face first into my very worst nightmare. My greatest fear is abandonment. My husband abandoned me & our daughter. Although his response is "I can see how you would think that" to assure me it isn't the case.
Yes. I am forced to still see him and speak to him at least once a week because of our child.
I have filed for divorce. He has signed and admitted to the ongoing adultery which destroyed our marriage and family.
I'm waiting for the family court to rule and set me free on paper.

I've been walking this road for nearly two years now. It's been hard. Some days it's impossible. Like today. I'm really struggling today with anxiety and stress. It's making it difficult to function. I should probably call the doctor.

We need to go out. I deserve a posh coffee and a treat!

I'm pushing through. I have for the past nearly two years. Some days are a case of pushing with all my might. Most of the time however we are happy and very satisfied in our little lovely life.
Matilda and I are peas in a pod. We fit together just right.


I've fought hard to push through the dark depths, like the lotus flower. It has to push through the mud under the water to reach the sun. Then it suddenly bursts through the surface and blooms spectacularly.
I'm not there yet. I will be one day though.

One step at a time. I like how Tom Hiddleston said it

And I'll tell you this...I have climbed one hell of a mountain.

adventures in headbands

This headband is for a grown up girl :)
Laura asked me back in June if I could make something for her to take to a music festival to keep her hair out of her face.
So when she sent me a text saying she was leaving in 2 hours I was a little surprised that I'd run out of time! Haha, typical me.
I thought I had tons of time when really my deadline had come around. Matilda and I were laying around having a post name tickle-fest, so I had to jump up and get busy!

In about an hour and a half  I'd gotten it done!
I made two of the bows detachable so that Laura had a few more options. She can wear the headband with all three, or two or just one. She can wear the bows on their own.

I prefer to have a few options, especially when I'm having one of those days when everything is too tight or clinging to the wrong spots when PJs and a tshirt are the most comfortable options!

Have fun Laura! If you'd like your own headband or one for your little lady or a little OR grown up girl that you know just get in touch :)

Bow Very Busy!

Since we last spoke I've been on holiday in Tenerife, my Mom came over from the states for a visit AND I started making again!!!

It all started with passing on a couple of bows I made for Miss Mouse that were a bit too small for her. I brought them to our toddler group. The mum that I gave them too offered me some pennies, but I said I'd rather she told people I can make bows if they wanted them. 

So, she did! In the few months since then I've been bow making mad!

A mother daughter duo!

This leopard print lovely was for a grown up girl!

Peppa Pig is super popular!

Minnie Mouse is also in high demand!

I've been having so much fun! So far everything I've made is by request, so each bow is bespoke. I'd love to make something for you! I'll ship anywhere on the globe! Just wait until you get your peepers on my ribbon collection!

We Are Busy!

She doesn't love PB&J :(

Whoopie Pies are more her thing :)

See ya later Mummy!

We've been to the zoo a lot lately and the other day we went to the Seaquarium at Rhyl which is in North Wales. Think....Myrtle Beach, maybe in the 60s. That's totally what it's like. It was windy, but pretty warm. The beach is sand and smooth stones. It was the first time Matilda has ever played with a shovel and bucket. She had a great time!
The last time we went to the zoo I brought her baby pushchair, she pushed her baby doll around at warp speed! This little Mouse of mine is stuck in fast forward!