Uh Baby, Baby It's a Wild World

And, it's hard to get by just upon a smile

Uh, baby-baby it's a wild world
And I'll always remember you
Like a child girl
And I'll always remember you

I'm in a weird place tonight. On Friday a friend of mine lost her battle against bowel cancer.  It took her in 6 months.SIX months ago she had some stomach aches and general pain then a week ago she went into hospice and that was it. POOF.
A big life & a wonderful human, gone. I can't believe it.
She was a year younger than me, she was her mother's full-time carer. She was a counselor and friend to so many. I was part of Facebook group that organised meals and care and eventually visits to the hospice. I didn't feel like I had any business being there because we hadn't kept in touch. At the same time I was honoured to be there as this person was so special. I'd have brought meals if I could have. I'd have sit with her or taken her mother to her appointments if I was there. I feel the need to apologise. 

The last time I saw her it was over tacos at Taco Boy in Charleston. 

I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember her warmth and kind smile. 

I found out today that the brother of an old friend of mine has died. Another young person. He was sick, but I don't know what happened. He's just gone. His friends' and family's hearts shattered into a million pieces. 

Yet another friend, recently diagnosed with MS, had emergency surgery to remove a massive ovarian cyst. 

Another, my age, brain tumor. She beat it thankfully.

Have I just reached an age where people start to get sick? It feels like it's far too soon to be losing friends. 

My mom's friends have mostly all lived a very long time even after a LOT of drug abuse and alcoholism and all RIDICULOUS lifestyles. 

We lost a handful of friends while in high school. I remember two of them making a big impact on me. We've lost a few more since then, including the guy that I always sat next to when we were put into alphabetical order. I don't know what happened, but whatever it was, he was too young. 

I needed to get these thoughts out otherwise they spin round and round in my head. I don't have much spare room in there as it is. 

That's about it really. I have nothing profound to say, I just wanted to get it out. So if you've read this, thank you. Maybe you can even relate. 

New Year, Who Dis

Back in the Dating Saddle?

Ok....so.... I hate to admit it. I hate admitting to myself that I feel lonely. 

I feel like I shouldn't because my life is very full. My life is good - that does not mean stress or complication free by the way. I'm content in myself and I'm dealing with my issues. My job is actually a career and it's on the way up! I'm about to be successful - something I never thought was within my reach. I have SO MUCH to celebrate and shout about. There's no "but" or "if". My life isn't perfect but it's f*cking good. Money is tight, but I have enough. My car isn't new, but it's an upgrade from the last one and it has petrol in. My belly is full as is my kid's as is her cat's. I've been able to start Christmas shopping which is a massive blessing. I am extremely grateful. 

I'm only missing someone to share it all with. 

The little stuff. I miss the intimacy - not just the sex & physical contact - but that emotional intimacy. It's simply different to the relationships with good friends. If you're in a healthy relationship I reckon your partner should be your best friend, or one of them. That was lacking in my marriage. I loved my ex husband, but there wasn't the depth of unconditional love and understanding that I have with my very best friend. 

My story isn't unique. People all around me are suffering horrendous marriage breakdowns and traumatic divorces. The people we once loved become our greatest enemies. It's shit. 

But, the silver lining? I get a mulligan. A do-over. New beginning. Whatever you want to call it. I get another chance at love! 

This season of my life has been all about new beginnings. New lessons. New opportunities. It's funny that my new beginnings are happening in Autumn. The season we mainly associate with death and endings. It's actually about balance. On the Autumn equinox the day light and the dark night are in an equal balance. Cool huh? 

Remember that Semisonic lyric? "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" 

GET TO THE POINT, FELICIA! GEEZ! 

I've kind of got a "date" (It fills me with dread to even put that out there). 

I'm meeting up with a lovely guy I met on one of those god awful dating apps. He has his little girls every weekend, the only time we're both not working and child free is Saturday, in the day. This makes it a challenge to find time. He's busy. I'm busy. But it's important to make time. Is there potential here? Maybe, I think so, but I don't know. I've been wrong lots of times before. I've been hurt and let down and disappointed. I'm being cautious which is wise right? I can usually tell if there's a connection. There seems to be. BUT I'VE BEEN WRONG, A LOT. I've been a lot of awks first dates. 

Here's what I know to be true, regardless of my crappy experiences. 

I'm a catch! I'm funny, smart, I have a lot of love to give. I'm a great cook. I'm hard working. Thoughtful. Fun. And I'm told I kiss by the book...that's a bonus right? 

More importantly -

 I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. 

I AM WORTHY OF HAPPINESS. 

I AM WORTHY OF SUCCESS.

I AM WORTHY OF ALL THE GOOD THINGS. 

I was not designed to be alone.
I was not designed to lonely. 

It's ok to be lonely, it means I'm human. It does not mean I'm desperate or that I'll settle for the first man who shows interest in me. Because the truth is in this age of digital dating and selfies and angles I get plenty of attention, not usually the kind I want, so I've learned the difference between sincere interest and someone looking to take advantage or play a game. Doesn't work on me anymore dudes. 

I am worthy of waiting until I receive that which I deserve. I'm not in a hurry to "cure" this heart's longing. I will walk into the country pub, looking and feeling like a million bucks with the knowledge that I don't NEED this man. If he makes me laugh and I feel at ease with him and he is attentive then maybe, just maybe,  we can spend more time together and see if we'd like to spend even more time together. At our own pace. In our own time. 

I've taken a risk and put this out there. It's a challenge to myself. 

Now I've got a few weeks to find something to wear, gotta be lookin like a snack! 😆😆😆

Guess Where I Am?

If you thought "Starbucks in Middlewich" then you'd be right! Duh. It seems to be the only place I find the space to blog... or think at all! It's been a whirlwind month with my Mom here and Matilda being off of school, and starting work after years out, meetings to formally end support that I've been receiving (once you get a job then there is no more funding for your support, the system needs some work!).
Saturday is my only child free day. My mom was still asleep when I left to take Miss Mouse to her Dad (don't get me started on why I'm having to drive her to their visitation....).
I have the structure of my lesson plans down but I have no meat on the bones. I've had to cancel a social engagement from months ago with friends who will be over from the USA, because now I have a job...they've stopped over close to me to visit specifically....so it kind of really stinks.
I have a full day on Tuesday and then have to drive out to Abergele, North Wales for a short break.

24 hours later we'll be back off home! So some nice salt air and time by the sea...very little is as good for my soul as being near the sea. *sigh*

I am STRESSED.
I feel like life is spinning around me, out of my control.
I'm trying to remember so many jobs and dates and lists and things - I don't function my best without routine. I know some people totally hate having structure, but I need it! I can relax when I know where I need to be when and for what reason.

Sitting here, sipping a almond milk mocha and typing away has helped me calmmmm down!
A few deep breaths, a bit of caffeine, a bit of podcast listening, looking at pics of Abergele and thinking about the sea have all helped.

Phew. Best get some work done while I'm not freaking out!

drum roll please!